New School Year

Oh, my goodness, I can't believe it's finally here! School starts tomorrow morning! I just made the kids each a chore chart for the week. I'm thinking next week I'm going to do it a little differently though and it's going to last for more than a week, because they took forever to make. At least an hour! I really do not want to do this every week! Anyway, I need to go to bed, so I can get up in the morning to make sure they get breakfast and look at their charts and do all the things on their charts for the morning before going to school. Got to get them in the habit first!

Girls Are Very Busy

I've been very busy today, with laundry and dishes and kids. I had to take Angela to play with her friend, Maggie. She hasn't seen her in a while. Of course, they'll be seeing each other almost every day once school starts, but still. Besides, then they don't get to play continuously. They're going to be interrupted frequently by teachers and other students. So it's really the last time they can play together without interruption. I'm glad she has such a great friend to play with. Chloe got her present from her grandma (my mom) today. She got a little stuffed horse on a clip. I guess it's called a Klip Kinz, so it's made by the same people who make WebKinz. She named it Heather, which was the name of the horse I rode througout junior, high school, and college, and she passed away just a couple of years ago on my parents ranch. I thought it was really sweet of her to name her horse after the horse I never really got a chance to say goodbye to before she died. Anyway, she also got a new outfit from grandma that she is planning to wear to school on the first day.

A Quiet Sunday!

I'm shocked at how tired I am! I mean I really didn't do that much today. I got up to get me and the girls ready for church. Got some breakfast for me and Chloe. I couldn't get Angela up in time to eat anything. She had to get dressed and run out the door with her hairbrush in hand. Yeah! She had to brush her hair on the way to church! Good thing she's not old enough to think she HAS to get her make-up on yet. So, we went to church and afterward we went to WinCo. I had to get some detangler spray for Chloe. Her hair was nearly the death of both of us this weekend, and after ripping out half her already fine hair this morning, I had just about had it. This was after shampooing and conditioning it yesterday. Didn't help much. I have no idea how she gets her hair in such horrendous knots while she's sleeping. What does she do? Headbang! It's crazy! And of course, I was so hungry when I went to the store that I bought junk food for lunch. I think my blood sugar was real low for some reason, cause I was shaking. I had some change left over from Chloe's birthday money. Not enough to really get her anything fun with, so I got me and the girls some soda's from the soda machine on the way out. After eating our goodies Chloe played with her new Polly Pockets she'd bought with her money the day before and Angela went to play at a friends house. I took a nap. I woke up to a pleasant surprise. My husband was asleep in the bed next to me! Yay! He got home a little earlier than expected so we got a little nap together and got to talk a bit before he had to run off to his pizza delivery job. That was nice. I thought he was going to drop off his sutff and run out the door again, but he didn't. I got some hubby time in! Shortly after that I made potatoes and gravy for me and the kids and then we sort of hung out and did fun relaxing things until it was time to send them to bed. Not really a busy day at all. I hope I'm ready to hit it hard again tomorrow, cause boy do I need to!

Family Sunday and Chloe's Birthday

Well, Josh and Jeremiah were still out camping this morning, but the girls and I had a great time at church where several of the men at church taught us about the sevem feasts from the old testament and what they represent. Our senior pastor who usually teaches the Sunday morning lesson left for Israel yesterday, so it was a good Sunday to do this. Plus it was Family Sunday, something our church does every 5th Sunday instead of finding teachers for the extra Sunday in these longer months. On Family Sunday, the kids all stay upstairs for the entire service and they do more active things in the lesson to keep them from going crazy. It's loads of fun with lots of visual aids and music. I love it!

Happy Birthday, Chloe!

I hope I can make it to church tomorrow! I think I might have a cold. I'm hoping it's just my allergies acting up again. Could be since I don't have all the medications I'm supposed to be taking for my allergies. Can't afford them. But it could be that got so bad that I'm now getting a cold because of that. Plus, my daughter's birthday is tomorrow and I know she'll want to see her church friends on her birthday! Josh and Jeremiah are camping with their Boy Scout troop. Me and the girls went shopping today, so that Chloe could spend her birthday money from her great grandparents! She got a polly pocket with some accessories to play with. She played with it for the rest of the day!

Peace In My Pain

Have you ever had one of those experiences where you knew that you were struggling through something that certain people wouldn't understand what you were going through, even if you tried to explain it to them and you really don't want that to influence their behavior around you anyway? You just want them to love you the way they've always loved you and talk to you the way they've always talked to you and let you deal with it between yourself and God and maybe a few trusted female friends and leave it alone. That's how I'm feeling about my husband right now. I know he loves me. In fact, as I mention in the post before this, I know he adores me, but I wish he wouldn't try to get me to share every single negative feeling I have all the time. I know he reads this and he knows I'm going through something and as far as I'm concerned that's all he needs to know. It's not like he can help. This one is beyond him, it's beyond me. It's beyond those trusted friends. I just trust them to know that and not either smother me to death and not leave me to be alone with my Lord and just enjoying the times of the day that I really am enjoying. I really am fine. God is healing me and I am loving actually being able to feel His presence during that process and sensing Him truly showing me who I can trust and how much to trust them with and how much to leave strictly between myself and My Jesus. I've never loved Him more. I've never loved my husband and my children more. And I've never loved my friends at BBF more. One in particular who took my midnight phone call and listened to me, prayed with me and reminded me of scriptures I dearly loved that told me exactly how much God cares and wants what's best for me and will love me through this and will bring me to the other side more prepared for the wonderful future He has planned for me! (see Jeremiah 29:11 among others: I can't really recall the others, but I know they are in there.) I'm at peace in my pain if that makes any sense!

A Great Day!

Well, it's been a fairly uneventful day, Thank God! I'm really looking forward to Celebrate Recovery tonight! And I know that I have dear friends, a husband who adores me, children who think the world of me, and most importantly a God who Loves me as if I was his only child!!!!!!

Can't Wait For School To Start

Please tell me schools starting soon!!! One day my kids were trying to avoid each other by climbing in the house through the windows instead of the door like normal people. Another day, Jeremiah asked me if our fan is designed to suck out hot air, how come Angela's still here. Today my daughter referred to her brother as buttface and yesterday, she referred to him and his friend Nathan as ladies. Soon afterward they were running screaming from the house and she was yelling after them and crying, "Wait for me! MOOOOOOMMMMMM, THEY'RE NOT WAITING FOR ME!" I told her, "They don't have to wait for you. You know where Nathan lives. Besides, you were picking on them. What did you think they were going to do?" Ugh! School starts in 5 days. Do you think I'll live that long?

My Emotions: I think I'll survive this one, too!

Well, I'm doing much better. Some friends of mine that I've made at BBF since leaving my last church have asked me why I haven't called them while I was laying awake crying. I'm thinking that's a pretty good indication that for the first time in my life I am surrounded by friends not judges, so maybe I can trust them with my very exposed heart. I am still feeling pretty vulnerable though. I finally slept last night out of pure exhaustion, but I sense another tear-filled night ahead. Maybe this time I'll risk exposing myself to my dear friend, Jeni. The one who told me I could call her anytime, even in the middle of the night.

Emotions

It's been a very rough and emotional 24 hours. I can't explain it to you on here and I don't want to explain it to most of you and I won't. In fact, I'll probably just keep crying out to my God and not talk to anyone. I'm terrified of people. Too many of them have hurt me.

Scouting

I have to take my son to a Scout meeting. He and my husband are obsessed with Scouting. You'd almost think the Scouts were paying us or something.

A Mom's Job

Well, more laundry and more dishes. And people keep getting dressed everyday, so that creates more laundry and we keep eating which creates more dishes. Nobody focuses on the eternal more than Mom's. There is nothing more eternal than laundry and dishes! LOL!

Bible Study Over The Summer

Okay, I think I've covered all the stuff of interest from Camp Grizzly. I did complete the bible study, Ruth, by Kelly Minter while I was there. I learned much from Ruth. I was a little worried it was going to be a boring study, but I was so wrong. At the recommendation of Beth Moore, I should have known better. Plus, I did another Kelly Minter study with Beth Moore leading it through her blog two years ago, so it's not like I'd never sat under Kelly's teaching before. She's truly amazing. The most painful part for me is when she "showcased" Ruth's work ethic. I have zero work ethic. I have never thought I should have to work, since I had such a painful childhood. I've always sort of used it as an excuse to be lazy, but I learned that God wants to use me and realized that I could trust Him to give me success. I was going through Beth's book "Get Out Of That Pit" at the same time, so I think that helped. I'm still struggling through a lot of issues, but I'm working through it. The problem I do have is that I'm usually too ashamed to let others help me and believe me I do need help. I'm just afraid to admit I don't have it all together. Guess I get that from my way too proud mother who was always ashamed of me.

My Thoughts After Pastor Kim's sermon on Isaiah 40

The Paparazzo's went to church today, where our pastor, Kim Kirkland, delivered an incredible message, that this child of God desperately needed. I've heard people tell me they fall asleep when Pastor Kim is preaching. To be honest with you, I don't understand how. Maybe it's just because I am at a phase of my life where I am so aware of my need for God's Word and others aren't or what, but I am practically on the edge of my seat from beginning to end, taking notes maddeningly. Sometimes writing things down that he didn't even say exactly, but I know that I really needed! It came directly from God to me. He spoke on Isaiah 40 and talked about how He is in control even in difficult circumstances when things seem to be horrible. His purposes will come to fruition even when it looks like what He's doing or allowing to happen is destroying any hope of what He promised! I don't know about you, but I need to be reminded of that. I am horrible about cruppling when things get hard, thinking that God is quitting on me, or worse, punishing me and destroying me! I know that, according to God's Word, that is absolutely NEVER TRUE, but somehow my heart can't seem to catch up. It makes me a very poor witness of God's love and afraid to stand out, cause I want to please people more than I want to please God, and it makes me sick to my stomach to even type that. I want to want to serve God no matter what others think and I am begging God for that. I listened to Beth Moore's "Get Out Of That Pit" on CD this summer and I am praying through the prayers at the end of that book every day, cause oh, boy, do I need to be delivered from a desire to please my parents so they don't hate me and anyone else in my life, worse than anything. And I need delivered from the fear that I truly am worthless and couldn't hold down a job outside the home no matter how much I may need to or want to.

Post Lentil Festival

Well, the Lentil Festival was great, but we all got wore out before we saw everything. There was less whining this year than usual. Jeremiah was in the parade with the Boy Scouts. The kids got to bounce in the bouncy castle and pet a turtle. I petted the turtle, too. He was so cute! I wanted to take him home. Later they got to touch a snake. Only Jeremiah and Chloe (my adventurous one) really wanted to. I did not touch the snake. No way! Snakes are for my husband to kill for me, not to pet!!!! We also got free popcorn and then we went to Pizza Pipline and got some pizza. Best pizza on the Palouse! I'd recommend it to anybody! After that we came home and I took a nap, I was so exhausted. I don't know what it is about going out that makes me so tired!

The Lentil Festival

The Paparazzo family will be heading off to Pullman for the Lentil Festival in just a few minutes. If it's like normal we will watch the parade, eat ice cream and then whine for the rest of the day. Well, my kids will whine. I won't. My husband will complain about the kids whining and so will I. So I guess in a way we'll all whine. We'll get lunch somewhere and probably not get to many of the booths or activities, because no one will be able to agree on anything and we have to stick together. It's great fun. Really, it is! Actually, I don't know why we bother. Other than this year we have to, because Jeremiah will be in the parade. And maybe Josh, too. I'm not sure. So it may be a little different this year. That's always our hope. We keep hoping our kids will grow up enough to enjoy it and not whine.

Alone Time

I've got great news! My kids are asleep and I'm awake for a little bit longer! That hasn't happened all summer! I am so thrilled! Finally, some time to myself and boy do I need it! Of course I still can't call and talk to people in peace cause it's late at night, but I'll take what I can get!

Squirrels

I suppose ya'll are curious about the killer sqirrels at Camp Grizzly after my Grizzmas post. Okay, first of all one day a Scoutmaster and some of his Scouts were sitting at their campsite and they watched a squirrel go up into a nest and take out a baby bird, and take off to eat it and then he continued returning for more baby birds until he'd cleaned out the nest. I was amazed by this story. When my husband told me, I said something like, "Aren't squirrels only supposed to eat nuts? I thought they were like vegetarians or something." My husband, said, "Yeah, that's why it's so strange." He warned the Scouts that when he (the squirrel, not my husband) ran out of birds he'll start going after Scouts. I told my kids the same. I know. I'm a terrible mom. The funny thing is then one day a kid was at the 3D archery range and he went to retrieve his arrow and when he leaned down to get his arrow, a squirrel bit him. He was so mad that he picked up his bow and shot the squirrel. So that's how "On the First Day Of Grizzmas my true love gave to me a kid getting bit by a squirrel" got put into the Grizzmas song.

Thunder Storm

Just two days after Grizzmas, early in the morning (so really it was almost only one day. Man I did not get much sleep that week!) I was woke up by a loud boom. I checked my clock and it was 4 am. I was so groggy that my first thought was "Who in the world is shooting black powder this early in the morning." Then, I thought, "Oh no, not more Grizzlarky! Some of us need our sleep!" Then, it occurred to me that it sounded an awful lot like thunder, only a LOT louder than what I'm used to. While I was still thinking this there was loud banging at our door. Josh groggily reached over and opened it. (His bed was next to the door.) It was Evan, the Program Director. He said hurriedly, "Should I sound the alarm or are you going to do it." My adorable husband groggily said, "What?!" (Obviosly he was the only person at Camp Grizzly who could sleep through that!) I said, "Josh, lightening and it's really close!" Evan said, "It's really close and it's really loud! It's woke everyone up!" Josh shot out of bed and said to Evan, "Sound the alarm!" The camp has this huge red alarm that is so loud you can hear it anywhere in camp. I usually wore ear plugs during drills cause I'm not very far away from it and have to stand very close to it for a long time before the people out in the woods with their classes get there. Or at some of the farther away campsites. Anyway, Evan took off to sound the alarm and Josh got the kids all up and instucted us to get dressed quickly. We set a record, I think! The alarm sounded faster though and as soon as we dressed we hurried out of the cabin. We were really probably safer in the cabin, but the campers aren't safe in their tents, so we have to get them all into the lodge when this happens. As we were heading toward the road that leads to the lodge, the whole sky lit up and before the flash had even gone away, I heard the crash, so loud I felt it! "Oh, crap!" I yelled. At least I hope that's the word I yelled. I hope it wasn't the other word for crap. I hate it when I say that word. Anyway, lots of other people were expressing the same sentiments and someone, I think it was my husband, started yelling, "Everyone down! Get down!" So we all crouched down low to the ground and hurried as quickly as we could in that position toward the lodge. My girls were crying at this point. I told them, "It's okay, it's okay. Just get in the lodge!" all the while feeling more vulnerable than I had ever felt in my life. I've never been that close to lightening! Someone told us later that the closest strike was 14 miles away, but I don't believe them. The sound came too soon after the flash and it was way too loud to be that far away! It wasn't very exciting once we got to the lodge. In fact, it was boring and I had to listen to more camp songs when I would have rather been sleeping. My husband looked on his computer on the doplar screen and the red dot on the map was directly over us! Really scary, but obviously we lived to tell about it! Those are the coolest stories, aren't they! Danger, but they live to tell about it. And yet I hate danger! I would rather read a book about someone else's adventure than have my own, but it's good occasionally, I suppose. If I must!

Grizzmas

Okay, enough of the tough stuff for now. Back to Camp Grizzly. I believe I never told you about Grizzmas! Grizzmas is held annually at Camp Grizzly on July 25th. This year it was on a Sunday, so it was the first day of the last Boy Scout camp. We had a gift exchange like you've probably done around Christmastime. We also sang a Grizzmas song. The Twelve Days Of Grizzmas. It covered many of the highlights of Camp Grizzly up to that point such as 3 no show staff, 2 broken trucks, and a kid getting bit by a squirrel. I'll tell you our killer squirrel tales some other time. Camp Grizzly definitely has some unusual squirrels.We ate junk food and had a very noisy gift exchange. They decorated the dining hall for this occasion. It reminded me of the Nightmare Before Christmas. I've never actually seen the movie, but I've seen posters and things of course. Typical mom that I am after I got inside (you had to crawl through a maze to get inside) my first thought was, "This is going to be fun to clean up before bed." (Sarcastically, of course. That's generally how I think.) But it was loads of fun. Of course, this party started after opening campfire and after the campfires were put out, so I would say that this party started around 1o or so, maybe later. I wasn't really watching the clock, which is quite unusual for me. My kids were up way past their bedtime! They were exhausted at the end and I had to leave before the I'm sure very joyous cleanup to get my children to bed. We got to bed around midnight! And man, oh, man, was I tired. I'm surprised I managed to get up in time for breakfast and I'm even more surprised that my kids did. The gifts were not extravagant. People working at Boy Scout camp don't make a lot of money. Some of the gifts were pretty nice. Others were silly. Of course those are the fun one's. One person got a case of soda. I ended up with a box full of cute girly socks! I was thrilled. Most of them were Christmas socks, which I absolutely loved! I might even wear the High School Musical socks at some point just for kicks! That is if my girls will let me. They love HSM. My hubby got a beach bucket with all kinds of fun kid stuff in it, not to mention a bottle of Suave for Men. He really needed that, you know, because of how much hair he has. (I'm being sarcastic again.) I do find it amusing that they make a 3-in-1 for men. It's shampoo, conditioner, and body wash all in one. I've never seen anything like that for women, because no woman in her right mind would actually want to wash her skin and her hair with the same substance! Anyway, the kids loved his gift! So did I! I got a new pair of flip flops out of that deal! Chloe got a new rubber ducky for her extensive rubber ducky collection and the girls also got Disney Princess bouncy balls and yo-yo's. For some reason Josh was happy to give that stuff up! He he. They had a slushy maker in there that looks like it would take hours to make slushies with! I prefer my Magic Bullet, thank you! Jeremiah is using the shampoo. Knowing him he's probably using it as body wash, too. I wouldn't.

Addictions and Abuse

This is going to be a very serious post for those that can't handle it, just stop right here. A lot of you don't really know me as well as you might think you do. I have a very addictive personality. I'm also very ADD, so I haven't stuck with an addiction long enough to get physically addicted to anything. There are advantages to that and disadvantages. I've never had to go through the intense withdrawals that I've heard other people have had to go through. (Thank God I've never had to watch anyone go through it! Plenty of my friends have gone through it though!) But I also find it dificult to define what it is I'm recovering from! I HATE that question!!!! When people hear that I'm involved in a recovery program they ask me what I'm recovering from and I don't know what to tell them. I'm not really an alcoholic, cause I can choose to drink in moderation. I've done it many times. I have friends who would probably disagree with that, because they have seen me drunk a few too many times. Not recently but definitely too many times! I was only in high school when I had a very brave and concerned teenage friend (yes, another teenager and I don't even remember which friend it was) come up to me and tell me, 'Shellie, I'm really worried about you. I think you have a serious drinking problem." That's when I switched to something else I think, probably. I tried to avoid anyone noticing that I was doing anything excessively. I smoked Marijuana, I drank, I smoked cigarettes, I even starved myself for a while. The really sickening part of all of this was my parents complete ignorance. I mean, I'm sorry, but if my daughter lost 15 pounds in two weeks, I wouldn't only notice, I'd also say something. Especially when she never showed up at the dinner table, so as far as you can tell she doesn't eat. I most definitely hardly ever at for an entire summer and during one two week period I did lose 15 pounds. I was having black-out for crying out loud. Some friends noticed and practically force fed me. A counselor even once talked to my parents (with my permission of course) about the possibility of me going to a drug and alcoholic treatment place for teenagers. My mother refused. She gave many reasons for me not being able to go, but it boiled down to she didn't want anybody to find out about me. She didn't want anybody to think there was anything wrong. (Like they didn't already know, right?!) This was after I was caught trying to kill myself. She told the counselors I didn't need help. That I was just trying to get attention. (Excuse me, but maybe I needed some.) I am begging you, if you are a mother or a father who has a child with these sorts of struggles and they come to you or send someone to you to ask for help, give it to them! I couldn't have begged harder if I'd wanted to. My own mother did not believe me when I told her I'd been sexually assaulted. She really thinks the statistics on that are blown way out of proportion and that many women have not been sexually abused. I really don't know why anybody would lie about something like that, but I do believe there are a few, but I don't think most people do and if my daughter who was obviously in pain told me something like that, I'd get her help. I wouldn't call her a liar. In my home I was not allowed to feel anything. If I cried I was either smothered to death or I was told to knock it off. If I got excited, people thought I was crazy. To be honest with you it's the same way where I'm living now. Plus I'm just afraid of what would happen if I really started feeling what has happened to me or anything that might happen to me. I don't drink anymore, but, Oh, man, would I like to. I have Jesus in my heart, but I still don't know how to feel and I'm afraid of what my husband would do if I did. I've never really grieved any loss in my life. Not all the way through. Whenever I start thinking about things in my life and it's obvious my mind is wanting to process some of it, I immediately find something else to do before my husband or children see me in tears. If I cry my children want to know what's wrong and I can't tell them, because it's stuff they don't need to hear, so I don't know how to respond to them. I've even tried to just tell them that mommies and daddies get sad sometimes to and it's okay, but it's still not a good enough explanation for them to just leave me alone. So it's not like I'm ever going to get anything processed through anyway. I live in a 900 square foot trailer house. Everybody can hear everything! So even at night when everyone's asleep I can't process. I wish people would just learn that feelings are not our enemies, so they'd just let people process things. As it is I'm not sure I've processed anything in my life and on this blog I've only told you about a fraction of what I've been through. Granted, there are many others who've had it worse. I've had friends tell me that the way my parents treated me was not that bad. I'm sorry, but that really doesn't help. They say my mother really does love me. I will never believe that. I forgive her, because I don't think she really knows how to love. But she most certainly didn't love me. Someone who loves someone is willing to put their reputation on the line for that person. I know some people are going to read this and not believe a word of it, but I don't care. If it opens up one person's eyes to the pain and struggles that some of this world have been through and going through, then it's worth it. I hope someday I will be healed and whole, but it's going to be a while.

Grizzlarky!

First, I'll tell you one of the most annoying parts of Camp Grizzly. It's called Grizzlarky! What is Grizzlarky? It's basically when the staff starts getting bored and pulling pranks. Most of them aren't so bad, but when they woke up my very sick son at 6 in the morning banging stuff around and shouting "Morale Patrol! Morale Patrol!" I'm not sure if they were trying to boost morale or what, but it did quite the opposite in my cabin! My son woke up with severe stomach pains and my husband had only arrived back at camp at 2:30 in the morning from having to take a Scout to the hospital the night before, so he was hoping to sleep in a little longer than that. That was earlier even then we were used to getting up! Well, Josh sometimes had to get up earlier than that, but me and the kids never did. Flags weren't until 7:50 am! They were always putting people's stuff in trees! One day I walked into the staff area and there were staff dropping out of a tree. They were all getting their stuff out of the tree. I was like, "We have a tree that grows staff. How interesting. We can certainly use the extra help, but I don't know where they're going to sleep!" Something really funny that they did was they put all the 3D archery targets on the soccer field in soccer formation. All that effort just to be funny. The only one that really made me mad I guess was getting woke up in the morning. The rest was really kind of funny!

Bare Feet

Yes, I've returned to civilization. Not sure I like it, but here I am. Here there are shopping lists and a lot more laundry and cleaning and cooking and just plain business. Here I'm expected to be clean and to clean. I even have to change clothes regularly! I'm just kidding. Really I did change my clothes regularly. I just washed one set of clothes one day and wore the other. Nobody cared that I looked exactly the same way I did the day before. After all, they did too. They were all wearing Boy Scout uniforms every day. At least I got to wear colors! For the life of me I can't figure out what color nail polish one should wear with a Boy Scout uniform. My feet look horrible after an entire summer of being stuffed inside closed toed shoes and I don't care. I'm not wearing shoes anyway. I think I will not wear shoes for most of the rest of the year. After all I had to wear them the one time of year that most people don't. So if you see me in flip flops in two feet of snow this winter, you know why. It's my husbands fault. So what if I would have damaged my feet so badly they'd have to amputate! Okay, obviously I do care, because I did wear closed toed shoes all summer, but you know what I mean. I will tell you little stories from Camp Grizzly at some point, but that's what's on my mind for now. Mostly enjoying my bare feet, no matter how ugly they are. Feet are kind of gross anyway. Have you noticed?